ANCHOR ARTICLE: Written for LISA RICHER by Val Roskens Tews

We were at a loss for what to do with our son.

My oldest son, who was three at the time, and I were checking out a new preschool to see if it would be a fit for him to attend. It was loud and there was lots going on within the room which wasn’t helping his sensory needs. He was playing with a dollhouse, while I was sharing with Andrea, the teacher, how I found her and what I was most concerned about with him changing preschools.

I was starting to tell her about my overwhelm, his struggles, and our challenges, when we heard a loud crash.  We looked over to see that he had pushed over an expensive dollhouse causing it to shatter into what seemed like a million little pieces.  

But what happened next would be a pivotal turning point in our journey.

The teacher could see fear, shame, guilt, and everything else on my face. I was feeling embarrassed and defeated. But instead of getting upset with me or my son, she calmly walked over to him and asked him what he was feeling to make him do such a thing. Then she hugged him and directed him to go hang out in the “fort house” within her classroom. She had recognized his sensory needs immediately and knew what to do.

Then she came over to me. She had this really calm, caring, and empathetic tone – there was an authenticity about her that was incredible. Putting her arm around me, she said, “Don’t worry. I know I can help him. He needs to be in my class. Together we will get him moving forward.” I was blown away that, even after he broke this expensive item, she was willing to guide, support, and lead him to a better place.

It was as if a huge weight was being lifted off of me. I made a genuine connection with her. She looked at my son with love and hope – not frustration and disgust. She didn’t say she was going to “fix him” or “change him” – instead she said she said she could help him. It wasn’t about fixing or changing, but about helping, supporting, and guiding.

Through the 1½ years that my son was in Andrea’s class, he grew and blossomed. She provided the safe space and support he needed to better understand how to cope with his sensory needs.  Offering tools and resources to redirect and self-regulate when meltdowns overwhelmed him, each time she intentionally guided, supported, and helped him without judgment.

Unfortunately, when he moved up to the next classroom, he imploded. The teacher’s demeanor and lack of empathy triggered sensory overload and meltdowns. It got so bad that we hired a shadow (a behaviorist) not associated with the preschool to support him three days a week. Over the course of the next few weeks, there was a noticeable decline in inappropriate behavior on the days with the shadow and an increase in meltdowns on the days with only the teacher.  It became so apparent that Andrea offered to transition him back to her classroom on the other two days. Ironically, or perhaps telling, when he was back in her room, he became a role model to those in her class and as a result, his confidence and self-esteem began to grow.

Andrea’s energy and her ability to engage, to collaborate, and not to place blame were phenomenal. She loved him for who he was. She guided and steered him based on who he was, not who she wanted him to be. She met him where he was at every day. And she met me where I was at. To this day, 15 years later, she and I still talk. She even shared a testimonial which is on my website.

Three words

Three words summarize that life-changing day: guilt, shame, and acceptance.

• Guilt – I had a lot of guilt because he broke the dollhouse.
• Shame – I remember feeling ashamed and embarrassed that it happened.
• Acceptance – Her genuine support and concern broke down my self-imposed barriers so I could be vulnerable enough to accept her help.

At the core of it – I let her in. That is the reason she became my first ally. Before that, I thought I could handle it all and “fix” it on my own. While there are good people willing to help, a person needs to ask for and then accept the help. I didn’t ask for help at first. I did, however, allow myself at that moment to be vulnerable enough to let her in so she could support and guide me.

A lot of parents may struggle with this because of guilt and shame. They think they shouldn’t/can’t share it with anyone. Perhaps they have shared about it but are shut down, dismissed or judged like we were from many. At times the resource people were only able to partially help. For example: OT helped with sensory issues and the psychologist helped with some of the behavioral issues but then directed us to someone else for specific interventions and tools.

Prior to this, everybody was only a part of the overall picture – each a compartment of my child’s overall situation. Andrea, as our ally, embodied all of it. She became the nucleus or central point. She was the middle that helped me pull all of the parts together and build relationships from the inside out.

She gave me HOPE!

To start with, she validated that my feelings were real and that what I was going through was real. She told me that she would go through this journey with me. She encouraged me to keep going. She guided me and listened to understand.

Crucial to this journey, she provided a safe space for me to practice and try – and more importantly for Joseph to practice, try, fail, and get back up. She wasn’t just my first ally – she was also his first ally. Had it not been for Andrea and the team we built of SMEs (subject matter experts), we would not be where we are today.

Genuine validation and collaboration

Parents need to be validated first in order to help their kids. That why I am choosing to walk alongside, collaborate with, and be a parent’s partner. Andrea, as my first ally, helped to mold and show me how that can work, how to do it.

Growing up, I was an elite-level gymnast and there were a lot of people who wanted me to fail so they could do better. With Andrea, this was the first time I actually saw someone truly authentic with no ulterior motives. I was pleasantly surprised to find someone like her.

Through these lived experiences I have gained a lot of insights and knowledge on how to go about asking the appropriate questions to find the best place – not just academically, but also socially, emotionally, and relationally.

There is a connective thread of relationships I have built over time through trial and error, through all the people who listened, and through the ones who didn’t. As for all the people who didn’t listen, who judged, who weren’t understanding, who weren’t caring, who weren’t authentic – they led me to be able to do the things I get to do now. I have clarity in my journey because I’ve lived it.

I have had people help me and now I get to help others. People tell me, “Thank you!” instead of “What’s wrong with you? Stop crying! You’re too emotional! You’re too passionate!” This is so much better and a lot less stressful!

Clarity, Confidence, and Courage

It’s all about relationships.

As a parent or educator of a neurodiverse learner (ADHD, anxiety, autism spectrum disorders, dyslexia, processing disorders, and more) when you don’t know what you don’t know, it’s hard to navigate the journey. Trying to understand what is going on and how to “fix” it triggers anxiety, confusion, frustration, and at times causes distractions for both you and the learner. Getting to the root cause is key to creating the foundation that guides the entire journey forward resulting in clarity, confidence, and courage.

It is NOT about how much money you spend on advocates. It is about who you surround yourself with, what you learn about who your child is, and who can support, guide, and rally around you. This is coupled with having the tools and resilience to continue asking questions until you feel comfortable with the answers and what the next steps are. That IS what MATTERS most!

I help parents and educators simplify the neurodiverse learning journey with personalized support and programs of neurodiverse learners. It is about working together to find the best solutions for your child and providing a safe space to ask questions and gain clarity and knowledge.

To learn more about the services offered, check out the website: https://journey2bloom.com/ and schedule an exploratory conversation with me.

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Contact information for Lisa Richer:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisaricher/
lisa@journey2bloom.com